Quality Experience: Thoughts on Feedback

A few years ago, my boss at the time would get slightly frustrated with me. Not that I was doing something wrong, but because when he’d write to me on Slack with the phrase, “Hey, can we talk for a few minutes?”, my first response was “Oh, sh💩t, what did I do?” I wasn’t living with a guilty conscience. I was living in constant fight or flight. Rewiring that response was something I was working on. I’m still working on it. Hey, let’s work on it together. Right now…

So, when I started reading David Weiss excellent series on giving and receiving feedback, it was hard for me not to be triggered by words like “positivity” and “gratefulness”. I have negative experiences with both of these words. I knew his intentions were good - and this is key when it comes to receiving feedback. I thought it would be valuable to add another layer of processing feedback if you, like me, want to crawl into a hole when someone says they’d like to talk to you for a few minutes 😱

We Get to Decide

The first thing to remember is that if you, like me, have come from a high-control environment, we can remember that we are adults. We can do what we need to do to take care of ourselves and we can decide what feedback to take seriously. It may sound childish but one mantra I tell myself often is, “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.” I’m not trying to be bull-headed or a non-team player. I am living from the experience of being made to do things that weren’t necessary or helpful, even harmful. When feedback comes from a friend, colleague, or leader, I might first remind myself that I don’t have to do what’s suggested. This gives me the autonomy and the calm to consider what’s being discussed.

Who’s Talking?

We live in a world where everyone has an opinion. And, the majority of people will gladly share their opinion with you. This does not mean that you should accept any opinion that someone offers. And, yes, I have an opinion on whose opinion you should take to heart.

This is Who I Listen To:

People I Know and Trust:

In this circle are the people who’ve earned my trust when it comes to feedback. I know their intentions. I can ask for feedback and they give it freely. They may or may not be family, friends, co-workers, leaders, or anyone else in my world. The number of people in this circle doesn’t matter. What matters is that they are invested in my growth and I can rely on them to tell me the truth without making me feel like dirt.

People Who are Welcome to Comment:

These are the people who care but may not necessarily be invested in my growth. My outcome doesn’t necessarily matter to them. Again, this may or may not be family, friends, co-workers, leaders, etc. I can decide who fits in this circle and when to take their feedback. However because they haven’t earned my trust, feedback coming from this circle does not have to be taken as seriously, though I can gladly consider it.

Everybody Else:

Yep, and when I mean everybody, I mean everybody, in real life or online. If I know they may or may not care and aren’t invested in my life choices, I get to decide what feedback I take. They can say whatever they want, and sometimes, someone from this end of the circle gives really good feedback! If so, I’ll gladly take it. And, I carry the same freedom to disregard feedback that is not good for me. They aren’t going to lose sleep over my life choices so why should I care about what they think?

The Intention Matters

The way words are spoken matters. Consider this clip from “The Willoughbys”

One phrase: As for the children, I will take care of them.

When read out loud, Tim hears a sinister tone because he’s never experienced kindness from his parents.

But, when Nanny reads the same phrase out loud adding in her intention and tone the kids realize she was trying to help*.

When reading feedback from someone, especially online, do not assume the tone. Always ask clarifying questions. And it’s best to have conversations about feedback on a call or in person. Less typing. Less assuming. More understanding.

Build the Environment

For some of us, it’s hard to believe that when someone “wants to talk to us” the discussion won’t be negative. I recently messaged someone who made an error in their blog post. I wanted to point it out to them, not to embarrass them, but to make them aware so they could choose to fix it. We’d never talked privately so I can imagine why they were nervous. Many of us have been shamed either privately or publicly. Build an environment with your team where you share constructive criticism kindly, and, if the same people are open for it, celebrate them in a way that feels comfortable to them. Not everyone likes the spotlight. Get to know the people around you, and how they accept praise and criticism. Knowing you will follow through helps build trust and creates the opportunity for openness.

And Yeah, Be Grateful!

It’s a gift when the people who care about you share feedback that helps you grow. If it’s critical it may not feel good, but if it makes you better, you can feel the investment, the care, the time taken, and the willingness of the other person to sit with you and help point you in the right direction. I’ve lived a few years of my life not getting the feedback I needed and this can be as bad as getting terrible feedback. We need good truthtellers in our lives to grow and change in the ways we need to.

To read more about Dave’s series on Feedback, check out Besides Code. A good starting place is “3 Questions to Ask Before You Give Feedback”.

Till next time…

Written with moon. playing in the background

* If you’ve never watched “The Willoughbys”, watch it. It’s so good. Or not. Decide for yourself.